Why Do We Hold Grudges In Our Relationship

Hi, I'm Karyn, couples therapist and relationship coach with A Better Relationship Coaching and this is my podcast a A Better Relationship In Five Minutes.

So today I wanted to talk about why we end up holding grudges with our partner, because this is really what leads to that resentment that can show up later. So I wanted to kind of do a couple episodes coming up about how to address this and to maybe prevent this from happening and be able to handle things as they come up. Um, so the reason that we really hold on to grudges with our partner is mostly because there wasn't a proper repair of whatever the original situation was. So that means that something happened and your partner or you didn't feel like it was handled in a way that you are addressed in a way that you felt like you were seen and heard and that your partner understood. And so we're going to hold on to that hurt because we it really wasn't properly taken care of.

So when we talk about, you know, repairing those hurts and injuries in our relationship, the biggest part of that comes from listening and validating and acknowledging what your partner is telling you. And when we don't do that--when my husband comes to me and he's upset about something and I'm too concerned about, you know, proving why I'm right about the situation or not acknowledging that thoughts and feelings that he's coming to me with that is going to lead to him feeling like he wasn't heard, he wasn't seen...the issue that he came to me with surely isn't resolved, because I was more interested in proving my side of the situation than listening to what he was coming to me with.

So when that happens, your partner still is going to be upset about the situation because they never really got any resolution from it or understanding from where they were coming to you. And then they're going to feel like you didn't understand. They're going to hold on to that. And it's because it was never really properly addressed to begin with.

So in order to avoid this, what we want to do is when your partner comes to you and they're upset about something-- like I said, most important thing you can do is to listen to your partner acknowledge what they're coming to you with and how they're feeling about that situation. So that can just be as easy as you know, reiterating back to them what they said to you and different words. Right? "Okay. I'm hearing you say that you were really upset with me because I was late and I didn't let you know".  That acknowledgement can be much, much more helpful and appreciated and meaningful and go a lot further in terms of repairing the situation than if you try to defend yourself and say, "oh, but it was traffic", and "I had a meeting that ran late", or "I lost track of time" and kind of all of these things will say to defend ourselves. Your partner doesn't care. They're just upset because you were late and you didn't tell them. So listen to what they're saying. Even if you have a great reason for being late, talk about that later. In that moment that your partner comes to you and is upset with whatever that situation is you just want to acknowledge what they're saying to you, appreciate the feelings they're coming to you with, and give them whatever you can in terms of that apology. "Yep. I'm sorry I was late. I didn't call you and let you know I didn't text you and tell you that I was going to be running late", and that's going to go a lot further to help your partner feel better about the situation and not hold that grudge to later on to turn into resentment.

So, that is what I wanted to make sure we talked about today. And then next week I'm going to actually be talking about resentment and how that really impacts your relationship. So this is kind of the beginning part of that.

All right. I hope this was helpful for you. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks.